the waters

once i tested the waters, the waters grew violent, there was no doubt the waves the waters made were directly correlated to my movements. action to reaction to acting as though i could breathe while the undertow gripped my ankles, head underwater, trying to force gills upon my anatomy. each moment a struggle for oxygen in a battle i knew i could not win. still i kicked at the waves, crashing overhead, raining fury and frustration, cascading down my flushed cheeks. i am still searching for a buoy, a light at the end of this underwater cavern, somehow growing gills, allowing shallow breaths. placeholder for when i reach the surface. time saver for when i learn to inhale deeply, and once more feel the sun on my scales.

hereditary

i have a pedigree in being petty, a heart who knows how to hold a grudge, eyes which water my anger, growing mountains lush with vines, tough to hack a path toward redemption.

i have been ensnared in these emotions, chains, forged thick, wrought iron, heating them red to break them, leaving impressions, scabbing blisters, links to the past.

forgive, but never forget, memories as poison flow through these veins, winding their way around my brain—been hardwired to hold on—embittered cyanide with a glare to stop hearts.

hive

i wish friendship meant
forever
same as it did in grade three
before harsh realities set in
before the first coat room tiff
before the first clenched fist—
i've been playing scenarios
replaying scenarios
so many scenarios
in limbic limbo
precautionary tales
of dice rolls and
slowly pulling glass slivers
from the soles
of bare feet
to trip
and be gutted on the fork
of your tongue
sweetly dripping with honey
lavender honey
the buzz of bees making honey
in your throat
and stinging.

snaking suspicion

we held steadfast
to our anger, tending
to our fragile egos, creating
witchcraft of our words, the other side
fogging over, no recognition left.

a careful setting, picked
by clumsy hands, a beautiful
showcase of ominous artifacts,
difficult to look away.

tended by another, a
poison vine, stemming,
wrapping, and coiling itself
around our ligaments,
forcing bestial poses.

our tears of frustration
served to strengthen the vines,
uncovering a path into our minds,
winding their way through our
hearts, poison pumping.

truth faded into a memory, each
believing all we wouldn't have believed
without the nudge, or familiar insecurity.

are we stronger for it now
we've laid the story out?
broken loose the ties held
around the other—how can
venom be sucked out
once a wound has closed?

how much poison
is left in the heart?

but barely

i.

     skimming through
            with the morals
                of a spoon...
                       can't you almost see
                                                     your reflection—the rejected palate
                                of imperfection
                                                            not quite as glaring
                                            as once hoped for.

    i float
              imagining all it might take for my limbs
                     to sink,
                                  the water filling a mold created
                                                                        by this very skin
                                                     holding me together.

ii.

     each ounce of blood
                                      lost
                                             returns to the earth,
              to some dejected landfill, rotting
                                    into the soil of lost time.
      who knows how long it takes
                               for a body in a pine box
                                                     to meet such levels of infection.

iii.

     don't drink the water
                       at the cemetery—
                       at the plots of the past/passed—
                it's got bits of your grandfather,
                                   sucked up from the soil
                                                               you left him in.